i’m so glad i take pictures regularly, because without them i’d often forget what i’ve done of a week, and i’d forget the moments of little joys and inspiration. some weeks, even if they’re dull, i can really easily remember and look back on, and others just slip me by, even if they’ve been interesting or have taken up my thought in various ways.
i seem to be at a stage in my life at the moment where i just feel ‘stuck’. i know i have potential and i know i’m more capable than i tell myself i am, but i feel like every time something goes a little right for me, something bigger goes wrong, or i get really ill, or i lose out on something i was so close to getting. it’s all very frustrating.
as usual, it hinges largely on income. i try not to hang my self worth on money, but when, for well over a year no one will employ you after applying for countless jobs you do begin to wonder what you’ve ‘done’. it plays with your mind. the income i make from illustration and blogging is next to nothing and i can barely even afford to cover myself, let alone contribute to bills and rent and whatnot. i’m used to being poor and it’s all i’ve really ever known, but that doesn’t mean i feel like i can handle it, that i’m not constantly stressed and worried – and that’s just about money, not everything else in life! i just feel like, on a personal level, i’m merely existing rather than living.
i’m so thankful for the moments that give me happiness, the people that are kind to me and the illustration and blog opportunities that i have had. to my boyfriend who is my rock and i don’t know how (or why sometimes) he puts up with me. being grateful really helps me through.