for the sake of my general mental wellbeing, something had to ‘give’ for a bit, and that has been the blog. it’s not like i do it full time, or that my posts are super intensive to write, but something had to slip for a bit. this isn’t me apologising, as i refuse to do that in this situation. but i do like to justify things, to myself at least!
i’ve always enjoyed this space, but also always gone through phases from time to time where i just don’t blog for a bit, for whatever reason. anyway…
i feel like things have taken a tumble a bit lately. life in general is better this year than the last, but as always there’s stressful situations and moments you just. can’t. avoid. – despite all best efforts. with me it nearly always goes back to (lack of) finances. even though i have a job now, it’s not enough to do my part of supporting us, and to be completely honest, the illustration and blogging side of things isn’t looking fruitful either. again, both sides of that part of my life have showed improvement from last year. but it’s not enough.
i’m trying to put more time and effort into making more work, to try and get my name out there, to try to be proactive with things, and applying for more jobs and opportunities, but it all seems to be for nothing. it feels like the harder i try, the more ‘~the universe~’ pulls back. i know a small part of that is impatience on my end, though.
i don’t feel entitled to anything. i know i have to work hard and earn my way in the world. even then it doesn’t mean i’ll get anything i want, or even need. but this girl just needs a lucky break and a few less slap downs! a right time, right place situation or something. if that ever comes i’ll be overwhelmingly thankful.
but until then i’ll just have to keep working on myself, and keep on trying. and trying.
and trying even more.
life is never going to be easy, is it? one thing that keeps me going is knowing i’m not alone. in that other people go through this seemingly their whole lives too. but it’s kind of depressing too. i wish i could help. trying to be strong and resilient is hard, regardless of what you’re going though. but you see people in the world going though such hardships, and coming out of it fortified with new strength. whether through belief in a higher power, belief in humankind or just belief in yourself – that’s what gets you through.
it takes work though, and when you feel like you’re failing and falling, it’s hard to find that strength. but if you look hard enough and keep your fire burning, you will make it through.