i’m so glad i take pictures regularly, because without them i’d often forget what i’ve done of a week, and i’d forget the moments of little joys and inspiration. some weeks, even if they’re dull, i can really easily remember and look back on, and others just slip me by, even if they’ve been interesting or have taken up my thought in various ways.
i seem to be at a stage in my life at the moment where i just feel ‘stuck’. i know i have potential and i know i’m more capable than i tell myself i am, but i feel like every time something goes a little right for me, something bigger goes wrong, or i get really ill, or i lose out on something i was so close to getting. it’s all very frustrating.
as usual, it hinges largely on income. i try not to hang my self worth on money, but when, for well over a year no one will employ you after applying for countless jobs you do begin to wonder what you’ve ‘done’. it plays with your mind. the income i make from illustration and blogging is next to nothing and i can barely even afford to cover myself, let alone contribute to bills and rent and whatnot. i’m used to being poor and it’s all i’ve really ever known, but that doesn’t mean i feel like i can handle it, that i’m not constantly stressed and worried – and that’s just about money, not everything else in life! i just feel like, on a personal level, i’m merely existing rather than living.
i’m so thankful for the moments that give me happiness, the people that are kind to me and the illustration and blog opportunities that i have had. to my boyfriend who is my rock and i don’t know how (or why sometimes) he puts up with me. being grateful really helps me through.
snapshots of my week – 4th november was last modified: 08:00 by laura redburn
advance warning incase the ‘read more’ doesn’t work …there’s quite a few photos in this post. not loads by some peoples standards, but worth a mention.
for various reasons i haven’t done a snapshots post for a while. mostly because i usually put them together on a thursday, and my thursdays lately have been busy so by the evening i was too tired to do anything but laze.
other reasons being i broke my tooth a couple weeks ago and it’s been such a stress trying to get it sorted. it got infected so i’ve only been off the antibiotics a couple days now. unfortunately it needs extracting and i can’t afford that right now (i need to be sedated), so i either wait months and months – by which time it could become infected again – or get it sorted sooner spending money i ..just don’t have. so yeah that’s been time consuming and stressful!
which leads onto mental health. worrying about my tooth just triggered a lot of panic and anxiety, which seemed to start a landslide. i’ve been on a bit of a downhill slope again latelyanyway, but i’ve had moments of hope too. a little earlier in the year i finally asked for help and told my doctor i wanted/needed therapy. i don’t know the NHS services anywhere else in the UK, but here (or in cardiff at least) i was offered 6, hourly sessions. they helped but it just isn’t enough. i have a lot of issues i need to talk through with a professional! so i’ve been trying to get my head round not going to these sessions anymore. if i could afford private help i’d do it in a heartbeat now, but yeah. money i just don’t have.
feel like i’m waffling a bit, but it’s good to get some stuff out. i’ve had soooo much on my mind that i just cannot concentrate on much, but i feel like i’m starting to organise my mind clutter a bit.
firstly – and i know everyone will be saying this, but – HOW is it almost october? seriously though. i do love october though, and not just because it’s my birthday month. this year i’ll be turning 30, eek! that’s a big one.
autumn has always been my favourite season. even if everything else in my life is rubbish, the cool autumnal air, the colourful evening skies (esp when they’re purple), and the changing colours in nature all make it worthwhile.
this week has been pretty awful, mostly on the mental health front, but physically and emotionally too. i feel drained to my core.
but earlier this week i took my trusty tokina lens out for a walk (i wanted to use my helios but can’t find it!) and all the lovely autumnal colours and golden late afternoon sun made me feel so content for the rest of the day. so all my photos this week are from then. enjoy!
snapshots of my week – 30th september was last modified: 08:00 by laura redburn