earlier this week i finally got an appointment for a rheumatologist. i’ve been waiting since near the beginning of the year, and the wait has felt endless. still, at least it’s nearly here now, so that’s a bit of a weight off my mind. yet, at the same time it brings new worries.
what if it’s like when i went to the audiologist for my tinnitus? i was basically made to feel like i was wasting the consultants time because it’s not that bad. i mean, it’s constant and at times it drives me nuts, but i suppose it could be worse. to be honest i felt completely fobbed off. i know my joint aches and pains and general body woes aren’t as bad as some others ..of course they’re not. but i’ve had these problems for almost my entire life, i am in pain almost all of the time, and my issues affect me both physically and mentally. i just want some sort of clarity and/or plan of treatment.
but then, i’m also kind of afraid of two opposing things. getting an official diagnosis versus a ‘i don’t know what’s wrong with you’ kind of thing. i suppose getting some official diagnosis/es is good because it’s a step forward in (hopefully) the right direction and it’s something i can mentally tick off, but whilst also having to deal properly with what’s potentially in my future with regards to mobility and the like as well as further blood tests, xrays, MRIs and what have you.
what if they say they don’t know what’s the matter with my body though, or that it’s general ‘aches and pains’ and i just have to deal with it? i don’t feel like what i go through is normal. it certainly doesn’t feel like it. if i can’t get any clarity i feel ever more entrenched in this pit of limbo i feel eternally destined to dwell in.
so yeah, this has all been on my mind a lot this week, whilst having to go through aforementioned aches and pains. it gets way worse this time of year and i dread it. fun times.
how has your week been?