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for the love of autumn

photography, personal by

leaf with patchy orange and yellow

might seem a bit random in a post about autumn, but i must disclaim i talk about suicide briefly in this post, so consider this a trigger warning if you wish to skip this post. also there’s a spider.

since i was a child, autumn has always been my favourite time of year. obviously my birthday being at the end of october gives me a bit of a bias, but mostly it’s because of all of the colour around, and memories associated with it. i didn’t have the happiest of childhoods and so autumn became something i really cherished. most of my childhood was spent in surrey and hampshire, and i loved walking around the hilly parts of guildford and kicking up leaves, and don’t even get me started on newlands corner. ah, memories!

yellow and red autumn leaves

pink fading hydrangea

another reason that autumn is important/resonant to me is that it pretty much (in a slightly roundabout but poignant way) saved my life. in 2005 i was incredibly depressed. i was before then and i have been since, but that year and those later months in particular were a very, very low point for me.

wow this is really hard to actually type in a public space.

okay.

i tried to commit suicide. truth be told, i have considered it and thought about it since then a few times, but this was the only time i really came close to actually doing something. i was right there on the edge. i was seconds away.

and then i looked up. fog was rolling over. leaves were falling and the trees were painted in their autumn hues. the sky was grey but tinted a faint lilac. it felt special and in that moment my life changed. i stepped back and took in my surroundings.

this is a large part of the reason that the small things and colour are so important to me. they save me and they are part of my soul and my spirit.

spider on web

black and white leaves

so, when i recently went on an autumnal walk it kind of filled me with a strange mix of happiness and melancholy. mostly happiness to be honest. all the beautiful colour! this time of year is often described as transitional, and for me it is because it marks one of a few particular moments that my life kind of has a specific before and after, and i have to tread that delicate balance between being happy that i’m alive and knowing that i will probably always suffer from depression.

sometimes a little self help can help with depressive episodes, but sometimes you need a little more help, or to talk to someone that can help. sites and organisations like mind and papyrus can be a good starting point.

feet standing on yellow leaves

red berries on the ground

pink and purple hydrangea

black and white photo of tree underside

yellow leaves on pavement

although autumn is kind of tinged with a particular kind of sadness for me, it’s also a reminder to be extra mindful and grateful, a time to remember to take care of myself and to indulge in little happinesses. despite everything, happy or sad, autumn will always have a place in my heart.

what does autumn mean to you?

snapshots of my week – 30th september

snapshots, photography by

autumn leaves

apple tree bokeh

firstly – and i know everyone will be saying this, but – HOW is it almost october? seriously though. i do love october though, and not just because it’s my birthday month. this year i’ll be turning 30, eek! that’s a big one.

autumn has always been my favourite season. even if everything else in my life is rubbish, the cool autumnal air, the colourful evening skies (esp when they’re purple), and the changing colours in nature all make it worthwhile.

this week has been pretty awful, mostly on the mental health front, but physically and emotionally too. i feel drained to my core.

but earlier this week i took my trusty tokina lens out for a walk (i wanted to use my helios but can’t find it!) and all the lovely autumnal colours and golden late afternoon sun made me feel so content for the rest of the day. so all my photos this week are from then. enjoy!

ivy in fence

red autumn berries

fuschia with bokeh

red leaf surrounded by green leaves

passionflower framed by leaves

blue trellis fence

looking into the allotments

baby fig leaves

 

snapshots of my week – september 16th

snapshots, photography by

yellow flowers on desk

due to a lot of joint pain, this week has been pretty uneventful. i’ve actually been pretty productive in terms of getting things on the to do list done, but it’s all pretty mundane stuff that no one really wants to hear about. still, feels good to get little aspects of your life organised, right? i wish i was one of those people that was more ‘on top’ of things but when you’re ill a lot and your brain doesn’t quite work as it should, its hard!

i know i must come off as lazy to some people (boyfriend included) but i always try my best and have good intentions at heart. it’s kind of hard to prove that though sometimes, isn’t it? i mean, sometimes i feel like i’m too hard on myself, but to an outsider, how are they possibly to know that? even if i voice it it still may seem like i’m making excuses. i don’t have the easiest body to live in, but, really, is that anyones problem but mine?

anyway, yes, i’ve also done a lot of thinking this week, ha!

hopefully next week will be a touch more eventful. i’ve (finally) shared some video snippets of the past couple of weeks, and i’ll try and get back into making videos more regularly again because i really do enjoy it.

how was your week?

in the video:

tomtom mess hall
perfume making experience at floris
(a cat that meowed at ava for a solid 2 minutes and keeps coming back – convinced they’ll be friends soon)
stay home club / eleni kalokorti snake pin
a little stationery splurge from flying tiger
irving penn: beyond beauty book
boden leopard print bag*
danielle kroll desktop wallpaper

stationery from flying tiger

pink heart shaped chocolates

desk bits

leaves poking over hole in pavement