my brain feels a bit empty this week, or, at least right now. i’ve actually been really productive and gotten loads of things done i’ve been putting off, as well as making some new work and coming up with plans and ideas, but it seems to come in bursts, in between which it feels like my brain just switches off.
in the past few months i feel like my brain has gone through some inperceiveable shift, like a switch somewhere was turned off and i find it really hard to focus and remember things well. i’ve had this brain fogginess before and i know that if it clears again it’ll inevitably reappear, but it’s intensely frustrating. i know there’s a better more function-able version of myself in there and it’s like it’s fighting to get out but ultimately giving up.
it’s hard to explain but i know there are others that go through this. brains and bodies are very strange aren’t they.
snapshots of my week – 2nd december was last modified: 08:00 by laura redburn
earlier this week i finally got an appointment for a rheumatologist. i’ve been waiting since near the beginning of the year, and the wait has felt endless. still, at least it’s nearly here now, so that’s a bit of a weight off my mind. yet, at the same time it brings new worries.
what if it’s like when i went to the audiologist for my tinnitus? i was basically made to feel like i was wasting the consultants time because it’s not that bad. i mean, it’s constant and at times it drives me nuts, but i suppose it could be worse. to be honest i felt completely fobbed off. i know my joint aches and pains and general body woes aren’t as bad as some others ..of course they’re not. but i’ve had these problems for almost my entire life, i am in pain almost all of the time, and my issues affect me both physically and mentally. i just want some sort of clarity and/or plan of treatment.
but then, i’m also kind of afraid of two opposing things. getting an official diagnosis versus a ‘i don’t know what’s wrong with you’ kind of thing. i suppose getting some official diagnosis/es is good because it’s a step forward in (hopefully) the right direction and it’s something i can mentally tick off, but whilst also having to deal properly with what’s potentially in my future with regards to mobility and the like as well as further blood tests, xrays, MRIs and what have you.
what if they say they don’t know what’s the matter with my body though, or that it’s general ‘aches and pains’ and i just have to deal with it? i don’t feel like what i go through is normal. it certainly doesn’t feel like it. if i can’t get any clarity i feel ever more entrenched in this pit of limbo i feel eternally destined to dwell in.
so yeah, this has all been on my mind a lot this week, whilst having to go through aforementioned aches and pains. it gets way worse this time of year and i dread it. fun times.
how has your week been?
snapshots of my week – 18th november was last modified: 08:00 by laura redburn
i’m so glad i take pictures regularly, because without them i’d often forget what i’ve done of a week, and i’d forget the moments of little joys and inspiration. some weeks, even if they’re dull, i can really easily remember and look back on, and others just slip me by, even if they’ve been interesting or have taken up my thought in various ways.
i seem to be at a stage in my life at the moment where i just feel ‘stuck’. i know i have potential and i know i’m more capable than i tell myself i am, but i feel like every time something goes a little right for me, something bigger goes wrong, or i get really ill, or i lose out on something i was so close to getting. it’s all very frustrating.
as usual, it hinges largely on income. i try not to hang my self worth on money, but when, for well over a year no one will employ you after applying for countless jobs you do begin to wonder what you’ve ‘done’. it plays with your mind. the income i make from illustration and blogging is next to nothing and i can barely even afford to cover myself, let alone contribute to bills and rent and whatnot. i’m used to being poor and it’s all i’ve really ever known, but that doesn’t mean i feel like i can handle it, that i’m not constantly stressed and worried – and that’s just about money, not everything else in life! i just feel like, on a personal level, i’m merely existing rather than living.
i’m so thankful for the moments that give me happiness, the people that are kind to me and the illustration and blog opportunities that i have had. to my boyfriend who is my rock and i don’t know how (or why sometimes) he puts up with me. being grateful really helps me through.
snapshots of my week – 4th november was last modified: 08:00 by laura redburn